I think i have really stuffed up this time.  I am my own worst enemy.  I don't even know whats been said to whom about what.  All i know is that there is a web of lies, and i am lying there, stark naked in the middle of it.  I don't know why i tell lies... I guess it just makes me feel more important, more... wanted.  I guess you could call me an attention seeker.  But... I don't know.  I'm far from being a plastic.  I've screwed up so many friendships, because i am selfish, because i never think of anybody else, because i'm a bitch, because i hate myself, because of so many reasons that i can't even think of.

So here it is.  If i have ever hurt you, if i have ever done anything wrong to you, then here it is.  I'm sorry.  I was being selfish.  I was being pigheaded.  I was being the 'only child' that i am.  I didn't mean to hurt you, but i got in my own way and somehow managed to wreck our friendship.  I am blind to most things that i do that hurt others.  I don't know why, and i hate it as much as you do.  I want people to think i am a good person, not some lying, backstabbing bitch that i have proved myself to be. 

I know that nobody i have hurt will ever read this, but please know that in my heart i never meant to hurt you.  I am just insecure, hurt, confused, bewilerdered (if thats how you spell it) and all the other emotions under the sun other than happy and in love.  So never think that i have life good.  I'm just ordinary, i feel pain, i hurt, i ache... And i wish i could crawl in a hole and die.  I don't see anything that i need to live for.  I don't see any reason as to why i should wake up tomorrow.  I don't see why i should live my life out saying i am happy when i am always far from it.  People look at me and think i am normal.  I am far from it.  You try living with multipile food allergies.  Not being able to go out and buy food, having to take your own food to parties, out to dinner with you, on school camps.  I've never had the luxury of going to Maccas and ordering whatever i liked. 

I know u think i am making up excuses.  I know it sounds lame.  But its so hard living like this.  I can't eat ice-cream.  I can't eat white bread.  my food costs 2, sometimes 3 times the normal amount.  $4.50 for a loaf of bread.  And its sliced so thin that it hurts to eat it.  You try only being able to eat meat and vegetables for dinner, no yummy caseroles, no yummy lasagne, no yummy chicken paramgana.  Its not as easy as you think.  I have to make it look like its nothing to me, like it doesn't bother me, because i don't want people to feel sorry for me and then think that i am attention seeking.  (but i seek attention anyways) I just want to be normal.  I don't want to be allergic to Wheat, Dairy, Yeast, Malt, Salicylates, Amiens, Preservatives, Artificial Colours, Artificial Flavours and Eggs, and any vaccination or medication that has those in them.  I'm allergic to sunlight, i'm allergic to vibrations, i'm allergic to pollens, i'm allergic to chlorine... I'm allergic to the own bacteria that my body produces when it has a reaction to preservative. 

I can now see why nobody would want me in their life.  Who would want to live with someone like that?  I'm a walking time bomb, if like when 7up changed their ingredients without warning... i can have a reaction, same with vegemite... REACTION!  Everyone thinks they have life hard.  You try living like this!  Checking every label every time you go to the supermarket just incase someone has changed an ingredient.  You try having safeway take away the only ice-cream you can eat and have them tell you its tought luck not enough people were buying it... WELL FOR FUCKS SAKE!  How many people out there are allergic to all this shit? 

I think i have said enough...